New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
