dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you will always have a special place in my vag
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
