Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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