dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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