I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
