Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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