I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
