I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i love accidental penises.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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