I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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