I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
