Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
