I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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