He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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