Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
