i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
