Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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