he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
