Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
