my shit smells like andre
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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