I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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