she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
