he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
