A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
