It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
