i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
