Have you finally orgasmed yet?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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