I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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