he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
