i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
