I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
