Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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