.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
