the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
