I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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