i don't like sucking hair
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Randomize
