omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
