god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
