we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
What drink are we having for lunch?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
