you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
