I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
