Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
