she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
