There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
