Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
