cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
