We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
