He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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