I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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