maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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