I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
