Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
