I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
